Signs of Attachment

Attachment is a huge thing in the world of adoption. Every adoptive parent wants to make sure their child feels loved and secure with them and understands that they will always be their parent and will always be there for them. This is a huge thing, especially for children that have been through a lot of trauma and/or had lots of caregivers in their short lives. Adoptive parents read books, take classes, join online support groups all to help them make sure they do the best job possible at attaching.

We are quite fortunate that attachment has been relatively easy for us. Mercy never lived in an orphanage, so we did not have any of those issues to work through. She lived previously with a family, so she knew a bit about family dynamics and she had one primary caregiver that she loved. She grieved over the loss of her former life and loved ones, but she already knew how to love and be affectionate. Another thing that I think helped us was that as soon as I arrived she was in my care 24/7. She learned to depend on me because I was always the one to give her food, hold her, put her to sleep, give her a bath, etc.

And although it’s gone very well from the beginning, every day I see little signs that it’s getting even better. One thing the adoption experts tell you is that for a certain amount of time the child should be only in your care. You don’t want to leave a newly adopted child with a babysitter right away because it can confuse them. You don’t want other people feeding your child or comforting them a lot because your child needs to learn to turn to you for those things. Since I do not really work outside the home, Cody and I knew Mercy would pretty much be with one of us all of the time for the first few months. We also discussed the church nursery and said that we’d keep her with me for a while and then just ease her into it after a few months. We figured we’d have fewer date nights. We planned on the first six months being a major adjustment period. Of course, we never expected that those first six months she’d be with me in Uganda . That’s thrown a few kinks into our attachment plan, but in many ways I think it’s been for the good. I can focus so much time and attention on Mercy because I do not have all of the obligations that I do at home. We’ve had much more “together” time than we ever would have had otherwise. So as much as I long to be home, I can see the benefit for bonding. You’ve got to always look for the positive, right?

The other day, Mercy was with me during a meeting regarding our case. This was the first time this man had met me or Mercy. He was fascinated that she understood my English. In Uganda, most children learn their tribal language first and then learn English when they start school. So it was surprising to him to see a toddler that knew English. I told him that she hears me speak it all day long, so of course she learns it. Then a few minutes later he remarked, “She loves you”. The way he said it showed how surprising this was to him. As I’ve said on this blog before, adoption is a pretty foreign concept to most Ugandans, so it is always amazing to them how much I can love Mercy and how much she loves me. My attorney said, “Yes, they love each other. They are inseparable.”



Do you think she likes me?  Sometime you've just got to hug and kiss.



Another positive sign of attachment… Mercy lets me leave her occasionally. So maybe we aren’t inseparable, huh? I can occasionally run to the market for a few minutes and leave her with Harriet or Ellen. For Cody’s birthday, we had a date night and Mercy stayed with Herb and Ellen. She had a great time, just like any child would with a grandparent.

Every Sunday at church, I have been sitting with Mercy. The typical Ugandan service lasts two hours at least. Mercy will make it through most of the music and maybe the start of the sermon, but then she’s had enough. I end up standing in the foyer or outside struggling to keep her entertained and maybe to hear a tidbit of the preaching here and there. I had tried a few months ago to put Mercy in a church nursery, just to see what would happen. She screamed and cried, and I knew it was too soon. At the time, this was a good sign of attachment because it showed she cared enough to be upset when I left her. A few weeks ago I decided to try again. She went happily and immediately started playing with toys. Mercy knows that I will come back and that I am a permanent fixture in her life. She doesn’t have to panic when I leave her in a new setting because she sees that Mommy always comes to get her. This is a huge step and a welcome one. She gets to run around and play, and I get to enjoy a whole sermon. It’s a win/win for both of us.

Even with Cody, Mercy shows positive signs of attachment. Naturally, she is more attached to me because I’m with her all of the time. But her two visits with Cody and then our time on Skype have helped them form a connection. While Cody was here this last time, it was noticeable how much more comfortable she felt with him. She laughed and played with him, cuddled, turned to him for comfort and kissed him. These are all great signs of progress.

Why am I telling you all of this? I don’t know. I am in no way an expert on this topic and I know that there are extreme cases. I have a couple of friends with children dealing with RAD (reactive attachment disorder). It is a long and draining process for them. I know for me, sometimes reading the books on attachment can be overwhelming and terrifying. But I also see how that knowledge has helped me be a better parent. I have a clue of what to look out for. I knew when she was grieving. I anticipated setbacks. Attachment and bonding goes differently for every adoptive family. For some it is almost immediate and for others it takes years. If you are in the process of adoption educate yourself on the topic, know some of the warning signs, and then relax and realize that with time, prayer and patience comes progress.