Yesterday, I was a bit disappointed that we did not appear to make much headway in coming home. We really hoped for a timeline of sorts, but it did not happen. Every day I was told to check back tomorrow. So frustrating. I wonder how many lessons on patience I must learn, but apparently I still need a few. But in the midst of my disappointment, God sent me loads of encouragement.
Yesterday morning I took Mercy to get her visa medical redone. It expired last month. Crazy, huh? It was a dreary, rainy morning and I was not happy about having to get out in it. I broke down and paid for a driver, instead of a boda boda so that we would not get wet. At least I got my favorite driver, Brian, who always makes me smile. When we got to the medical appointment, I walked in and found three young ladies I met last Sunday. One of them is here adopting. The other two are her friends. I was so glad to see some familiar faces and to have someone to chat with while we waited. Thank goodness…. we waited 3.5 hours. The good news is that Mercy has grown 8 pounds and 6 inches since September. Wow!
After the doctor’s appointment, Mercy and I met some friends for lunch. It was great to get to visit with these women. Two of the ladies have had their own tough adoption journeys and it’s always nice to be with people that understand. And my food was delicious. This may sound simple to you, but for the past few weeks nothing has tasted very good to me. I don’t know if it was a bug or just my desire to be home eating American food, but it’s nice to have food taste good again.
Then last night, I went to meet another woman for dinner. She’s here on a preliminary visit for her adoption, meeting the children and checking things out. We’ve emailed back and forth for a while and so it is always nice to meet face to face. We met at her guesthouse, where I have stayed before. While Mercy and I were waiting for her, we walked around the grounds. It hit me that the last time I was there was just after meeting Mercy for the first time. I had sent Cody an email about her, and it was in their internet café that I read his reply saying “Let’s go for it.” I actually got a little teary-eyed looking at the place. I thought to myself, “Lord, little did I know the wild ride that email would start. But despite all of the obstacles and hard times, I am so glad you’ve brought me this far.” My friend and I had a nice dinner and a great time visiting. I even came on barbecue night, so I really enjoyed the baked potato and barbecued pork. And I didn’t let myself dwell too long on the lack of sour cream. And my friend brought me a few gifts. She was kind enough to bring me razors, makeup, and allergy medicine. All of the important things.
Also staying at this guesthouse was Linny’s mission team from the blog, “A Place Called Simplicity”. I mentioned this blog a few posts ago. I was very happy to get to meet Linny and talk with her for a few minutes. I was even more surprised that she remembered who I was and where I was from. Impressive! Her team is doing great work with orphans and they were a pleasure to meet.
I was a good girl and took a driver to dinner last night. It is a long boda ride to the guesthouse and Friday night traffic in Kampala is horrible. My last bit of encouragement came in that drive, and I would have missed it on a motorcycle. Brian had a praise and worship CD in the car. It played many of my favorite songs and it blessed me to sit and listen and sing the whole way home. I felt God reminding me that He is with me every step of this journey. He gave me a day of meetings with sweet women to encourage me, even in simple ways they probably did not realize. He reminded me of how far Mercy has come since I first met her. As she slept in my arms, I thought back to the baby girl I picked up in August. She is not the same any more. She is strong and healthy and full of life.
It was a long day, but it was a pleasure. I’m learning to find great pleasure in the simple things… a good meal, good friends, good music… razors. While I may not have received the news I wanted this week, I did learn something. God is still my provider and my hope. He loves me and I am not forgotten. All things I think we all should remember every day.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
She was loved.
Baby V went to be with Jesus this morning. Her poor little body tried to fight as much as she could, but she could do it no more. We know she is no longer suffering, but it is those left behind who are grieving. Please pray for those who knew and loved her. Pray for this precious adoptive family who longed to make her part of their family. And pray for those who took care of her every day since coming to the orphanage. She will be in their hearts forever. My heart breaks for them, but I rejoice in the fact that this child who was once lonely and abandoned did not die that way. She died a child who was loved and surrounded by the prayers of people all over the world.
2 Corinthians 3-5
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."
2 Corinthians 3-5
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Prayer Request & Adventures in Hair
Today I had the privilege of going to visit a sweet baby girl at the hospital. She is in process of getting adopted. She's been sick for a while, but fell very ill over the weekend. She is doing better, but has a long ways to go. It's a miracle she is alive today. Please pray for Baby V, her doctors, caregivers, and the family that is adopting her.
==============================
Tonight I made my first attempt at giving Mercy a hair-do. Yesterday I removed her braids and washed and conditioned her hair really well. Tonight, after dinner and a bath, I put on a very annoying entertaining “Miss Pattycake” video for Mercy and set to work. I just did little puffs all over her head. I need to work on my parts. I don’t think it looks horrible and we’ve all got to start somewhere, right? Here are a few photos. This is right before bed, so Mercy was not the most cooperative with the photos. But I want to remember this first do, so some day when I'm putting in extensions and doing corn rows, I can appreciate where I started. By the way, the funky, shiny spots are where I had just put spray in her hair and then with the flash it photographed funky, but you get the idea.
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| From the front... sort of |
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| From the side |
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| From the back |
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Our Week
This week has been pretty quiet for us. Mercy and I spent lots of time playing and napping at the house. She's been fighting a cold and now a virus, so we've enjoyed a down week. I wish we'd made a bit more progress on our case, but I am trying to wait ever so patiently. We were told that we might know more about a possible timeline by this next Tuesday.
A couple of funnies...
Mercy loves to look at this children's devotional book that the Cook's own. She keeps pointing at this picture and saying, "Daddy".
A couple of funnies...
Mercy loves to look at this children's devotional book that the Cook's own. She keeps pointing at this picture and saying, "Daddy".
Then she points at this one and says, "Mommy".  |
| Daddy |
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| Mommy |
That's my girl. It makes me laugh every.single.time. Hope Cody doesn't mind me laughing at his expense.
Then the other day, we were sitting in the living room and Ellen pointed out this guy hanging on the curtain.
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| Our little friend |
It's hard to tell from this photo, but this was a large lizard. His body was about a foot long. We tried to figure out how to get rid of him. Herb and Lawrence were gone. I thought about picking him up and throwing him outside. The housegirls were very scared of him. One of them said that if he bit me I would die. So we got the watchman to come. He hit him a broom and was trying to sweep him into a bag and he took off running across the room. The housegirls all squealed and took off. I sat laughing. Then the guard got him in the bag, took him outside, and threw him over the fence. I really should have grabbed him myself. It would have been worth the possible scratches to see their reaction. Needless to say, it doesn't take much to entertain me these days.
Misconceptions
Ever since my first trip to Uganda, I’ve realized that some Ugandans have some pretty far our ideas about life in America. I’ve been asked lots of crazy questions. People think we are all very rich. They assume we all have maids and drivers and live in mansions. I’ve been asked if I personally know President Obama. I’ve had to explain that there are people who go hungry in the U.S and that we have crime too. I’ve had to tell them that we have people with HIV and AIDS. They think we wear clothes one time and then throw them away. They’ve been told we eat monkeys and snakes. It goes on and on.
At Herb and Ellen’s right now there are 6 girls in training to be housemaids. Harriett trains them in cooking, cleaning, manners, etc. and Ellen leads them in bible study. These young girls are precious. Recently one of them asked me about marriage in the US. She’d been told that the woman gets to decide who to marry and is basically in charge of the relationship. She’s also been told that American women can have as many husbands as they like, and that we can marry our siblings or cousins. So, I tried to explain our dating, engagements, etc. I explained that men do not have to pay a dowry like they do here. All of this was fascinating to her. I told her that she could ask me any other questions she had about Americans because I’d rather her know the truth than here these misconceptions from others.
Yesterday, I decided to try to make homemade laundry and dish soap. Ellen and I thought it could potentially be a good way to save money and also give another skill to these girls. So while were in the kitchen experimenting with the girls, the questions began. Oh my! Here are a few of the questions:
1) Do you plant your own food or is it all done by machines?
2) Do you have any animals like cattle or goats?
3) How do you have these animals when there is no land and you all live on top of each other? (they were thinking of big cities like New York, not good old Kansas)
4) Does anyone ever do drugs?
5) Is there rape in America? Are there thieves?
6) Why do all Americans have godmothers?
7) Does anyone hunt? (they could not believe that sometimes women hunt!)
8) Do people really get pregnant, have the baby removed and then put it in a freezer? (this was a question about in vitro fertilization, but they were quite confused about the process)
9) Do you have to collect firewood every day? (you should have seen their faces when I explained our fireplaces are just for heat and looks)
10) How many tribes do you have? and then, What do you mean there are no tribes?
11) Do you have “night dancers”? This one confused me. So I asked what they meant by “night dancer”. They said, it’s someone who dances at night, sometimes without clothes. I was thinking of a stripper. So I said, “Yes”. Then they said, “And they really eat people?”. Whoa. Ok, something got lost in translation. Let’s just say it took me a bit longer to sort that one out.
So, I have my work cut out for me. I told them to think of more questions. It kind of scares me to think that some people have these misconceptions about Americans. But when all you know about us is from TV and movies, I guess I can see how it happens. Shows like “Real Housewives”, “Twilight”, and “Alvin and the Chipmunks” are not helping me out. Then I think of the Americans that come to Africa and expect only mud huts and to see people with spears draped in loin cloth riding on elephants. We have a lot to learn about each other.
Here’s a picture of the girls. They are wearing Cody’s old undershirts as uniforms or smocks. It makes me smile each time I see it.
At Herb and Ellen’s right now there are 6 girls in training to be housemaids. Harriett trains them in cooking, cleaning, manners, etc. and Ellen leads them in bible study. These young girls are precious. Recently one of them asked me about marriage in the US. She’d been told that the woman gets to decide who to marry and is basically in charge of the relationship. She’s also been told that American women can have as many husbands as they like, and that we can marry our siblings or cousins. So, I tried to explain our dating, engagements, etc. I explained that men do not have to pay a dowry like they do here. All of this was fascinating to her. I told her that she could ask me any other questions she had about Americans because I’d rather her know the truth than here these misconceptions from others.
Yesterday, I decided to try to make homemade laundry and dish soap. Ellen and I thought it could potentially be a good way to save money and also give another skill to these girls. So while were in the kitchen experimenting with the girls, the questions began. Oh my! Here are a few of the questions:
1) Do you plant your own food or is it all done by machines?
2) Do you have any animals like cattle or goats?
3) How do you have these animals when there is no land and you all live on top of each other? (they were thinking of big cities like New York, not good old Kansas)
4) Does anyone ever do drugs?
5) Is there rape in America? Are there thieves?
6) Why do all Americans have godmothers?
7) Does anyone hunt? (they could not believe that sometimes women hunt!)
8) Do people really get pregnant, have the baby removed and then put it in a freezer? (this was a question about in vitro fertilization, but they were quite confused about the process)
9) Do you have to collect firewood every day? (you should have seen their faces when I explained our fireplaces are just for heat and looks)
10) How many tribes do you have? and then, What do you mean there are no tribes?
11) Do you have “night dancers”? This one confused me. So I asked what they meant by “night dancer”. They said, it’s someone who dances at night, sometimes without clothes. I was thinking of a stripper. So I said, “Yes”. Then they said, “And they really eat people?”. Whoa. Ok, something got lost in translation. Let’s just say it took me a bit longer to sort that one out.
So, I have my work cut out for me. I told them to think of more questions. It kind of scares me to think that some people have these misconceptions about Americans. But when all you know about us is from TV and movies, I guess I can see how it happens. Shows like “Real Housewives”, “Twilight”, and “Alvin and the Chipmunks” are not helping me out. Then I think of the Americans that come to Africa and expect only mud huts and to see people with spears draped in loin cloth riding on elephants. We have a lot to learn about each other.
Here’s a picture of the girls. They are wearing Cody’s old undershirts as uniforms or smocks. It makes me smile each time I see it.
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| Girls in Training |
Signs of Attachment
Attachment is a huge thing in the world of adoption. Every adoptive parent wants to make sure their child feels loved and secure with them and understands that they will always be their parent and will always be there for them. This is a huge thing, especially for children that have been through a lot of trauma and/or had lots of caregivers in their short lives. Adoptive parents read books, take classes, join online support groups all to help them make sure they do the best job possible at attaching.
We are quite fortunate that attachment has been relatively easy for us. Mercy never lived in an orphanage, so we did not have any of those issues to work through. She lived previously with a family, so she knew a bit about family dynamics and she had one primary caregiver that she loved. She grieved over the loss of her former life and loved ones, but she already knew how to love and be affectionate. Another thing that I think helped us was that as soon as I arrived she was in my care 24/7. She learned to depend on me because I was always the one to give her food, hold her, put her to sleep, give her a bath, etc.
And although it’s gone very well from the beginning, every day I see little signs that it’s getting even better. One thing the adoption experts tell you is that for a certain amount of time the child should be only in your care. You don’t want to leave a newly adopted child with a babysitter right away because it can confuse them. You don’t want other people feeding your child or comforting them a lot because your child needs to learn to turn to you for those things. Since I do not really work outside the home, Cody and I knew Mercy would pretty much be with one of us all of the time for the first few months. We also discussed the church nursery and said that we’d keep her with me for a while and then just ease her into it after a few months. We figured we’d have fewer date nights. We planned on the first six months being a major adjustment period. Of course, we never expected that those first six months she’d be with me in Uganda . That’s thrown a few kinks into our attachment plan, but in many ways I think it’s been for the good. I can focus so much time and attention on Mercy because I do not have all of the obligations that I do at home. We’ve had much more “together” time than we ever would have had otherwise. So as much as I long to be home, I can see the benefit for bonding. You’ve got to always look for the positive, right?
The other day, Mercy was with me during a meeting regarding our case. This was the first time this man had met me or Mercy. He was fascinated that she understood my English. In Uganda, most children learn their tribal language first and then learn English when they start school. So it was surprising to him to see a toddler that knew English. I told him that she hears me speak it all day long, so of course she learns it. Then a few minutes later he remarked, “She loves you”. The way he said it showed how surprising this was to him. As I’ve said on this blog before, adoption is a pretty foreign concept to most Ugandans, so it is always amazing to them how much I can love Mercy and how much she loves me. My attorney said, “Yes, they love each other. They are inseparable.”
Every Sunday at church, I have been sitting with Mercy. The typical Ugandan service lasts two hours at least. Mercy will make it through most of the music and maybe the start of the sermon, but then she’s had enough. I end up standing in the foyer or outside struggling to keep her entertained and maybe to hear a tidbit of the preaching here and there. I had tried a few months ago to put Mercy in a church nursery, just to see what would happen. She screamed and cried, and I knew it was too soon. At the time, this was a good sign of attachment because it showed she cared enough to be upset when I left her. A few weeks ago I decided to try again. She went happily and immediately started playing with toys. Mercy knows that I will come back and that I am a permanent fixture in her life. She doesn’t have to panic when I leave her in a new setting because she sees that Mommy always comes to get her. This is a huge step and a welcome one. She gets to run around and play, and I get to enjoy a whole sermon. It’s a win/win for both of us.
Even with Cody, Mercy shows positive signs of attachment. Naturally, she is more attached to me because I’m with her all of the time. But her two visits with Cody and then our time on Skype have helped them form a connection. While Cody was here this last time, it was noticeable how much more comfortable she felt with him. She laughed and played with him, cuddled, turned to him for comfort and kissed him. These are all great signs of progress.
Why am I telling you all of this? I don’t know. I am in no way an expert on this topic and I know that there are extreme cases. I have a couple of friends with children dealing with RAD (reactive attachment disorder). It is a long and draining process for them. I know for me, sometimes reading the books on attachment can be overwhelming and terrifying. But I also see how that knowledge has helped me be a better parent. I have a clue of what to look out for. I knew when she was grieving. I anticipated setbacks. Attachment and bonding goes differently for every adoptive family. For some it is almost immediate and for others it takes years. If you are in the process of adoption educate yourself on the topic, know some of the warning signs, and then relax and realize that with time, prayer and patience comes progress.
We are quite fortunate that attachment has been relatively easy for us. Mercy never lived in an orphanage, so we did not have any of those issues to work through. She lived previously with a family, so she knew a bit about family dynamics and she had one primary caregiver that she loved. She grieved over the loss of her former life and loved ones, but she already knew how to love and be affectionate. Another thing that I think helped us was that as soon as I arrived she was in my care 24/7. She learned to depend on me because I was always the one to give her food, hold her, put her to sleep, give her a bath, etc.
And although it’s gone very well from the beginning, every day I see little signs that it’s getting even better. One thing the adoption experts tell you is that for a certain amount of time the child should be only in your care. You don’t want to leave a newly adopted child with a babysitter right away because it can confuse them. You don’t want other people feeding your child or comforting them a lot because your child needs to learn to turn to you for those things. Since I do not really work outside the home, Cody and I knew Mercy would pretty much be with one of us all of the time for the first few months. We also discussed the church nursery and said that we’d keep her with me for a while and then just ease her into it after a few months. We figured we’d have fewer date nights. We planned on the first six months being a major adjustment period. Of course, we never expected that those first six months she’d be with me in Uganda . That’s thrown a few kinks into our attachment plan, but in many ways I think it’s been for the good. I can focus so much time and attention on Mercy because I do not have all of the obligations that I do at home. We’ve had much more “together” time than we ever would have had otherwise. So as much as I long to be home, I can see the benefit for bonding. You’ve got to always look for the positive, right?
The other day, Mercy was with me during a meeting regarding our case. This was the first time this man had met me or Mercy. He was fascinated that she understood my English. In Uganda, most children learn their tribal language first and then learn English when they start school. So it was surprising to him to see a toddler that knew English. I told him that she hears me speak it all day long, so of course she learns it. Then a few minutes later he remarked, “She loves you”. The way he said it showed how surprising this was to him. As I’ve said on this blog before, adoption is a pretty foreign concept to most Ugandans, so it is always amazing to them how much I can love Mercy and how much she loves me. My attorney said, “Yes, they love each other. They are inseparable.”
Another positive sign of attachment… Mercy lets me leave her occasionally. So maybe we aren’t inseparable, huh? I can occasionally run to the market for a few minutes and leave her with Harriet or Ellen. For Cody’s birthday, we had a date night and Mercy stayed with Herb and Ellen. She had a great time, just like any child would with a grandparent.  |
| Do you think she likes me? Sometime you've just got to hug and kiss. |
Every Sunday at church, I have been sitting with Mercy. The typical Ugandan service lasts two hours at least. Mercy will make it through most of the music and maybe the start of the sermon, but then she’s had enough. I end up standing in the foyer or outside struggling to keep her entertained and maybe to hear a tidbit of the preaching here and there. I had tried a few months ago to put Mercy in a church nursery, just to see what would happen. She screamed and cried, and I knew it was too soon. At the time, this was a good sign of attachment because it showed she cared enough to be upset when I left her. A few weeks ago I decided to try again. She went happily and immediately started playing with toys. Mercy knows that I will come back and that I am a permanent fixture in her life. She doesn’t have to panic when I leave her in a new setting because she sees that Mommy always comes to get her. This is a huge step and a welcome one. She gets to run around and play, and I get to enjoy a whole sermon. It’s a win/win for both of us.
Even with Cody, Mercy shows positive signs of attachment. Naturally, she is more attached to me because I’m with her all of the time. But her two visits with Cody and then our time on Skype have helped them form a connection. While Cody was here this last time, it was noticeable how much more comfortable she felt with him. She laughed and played with him, cuddled, turned to him for comfort and kissed him. These are all great signs of progress.
Why am I telling you all of this? I don’t know. I am in no way an expert on this topic and I know that there are extreme cases. I have a couple of friends with children dealing with RAD (reactive attachment disorder). It is a long and draining process for them. I know for me, sometimes reading the books on attachment can be overwhelming and terrifying. But I also see how that knowledge has helped me be a better parent. I have a clue of what to look out for. I knew when she was grieving. I anticipated setbacks. Attachment and bonding goes differently for every adoptive family. For some it is almost immediate and for others it takes years. If you are in the process of adoption educate yourself on the topic, know some of the warning signs, and then relax and realize that with time, prayer and patience comes progress.
So Blessed!
I should have written this blog post earlier in the week, so I apologize. While Cody was here we had the idea of buying a bunch of yummy Ugandan coffee and tea and serving it at church as a thank you for all of their prayers and support. Our church family has been amazing. I know I’ve told you before, but they have gone above and beyond with bringing meals to Cody, Emma, and Avery, offering extra babysitting, sending lots of emails and cards, praying for us. The list goes on and on. Cody and I were both very excited for the coffee and tea bar this past Sunday. We knew it was something small, but a fun way to show our appreciation. We didn’t know that the church had a surprise for us.
As you know, we’ve done fundraising for this adoption and with my prolonged stay here the costs have added up. But we’ve also been very cautious about asking the church for money. Besides through this blog and Facebook, we’ve never mentioned to the church about our t-shirt sales or other fundraisers. We would never in any way want to abuse Cody’s position or make people feel obligated to give. So this past Sunday, Cody and I were shocked to receive a very generous gift from our church family. While Cody was over here in Uganda the personnel committee at the church decided to collect a love offering for us. I laughed to myself that here we were trying to say thank you for all they’ve done and then they go and do more. We are so humbled and we feel so loved. We’ve watched God provide every step of the way, and again I will say, we could not make it through this time without our church family. Much love to you all!
As you know, we’ve done fundraising for this adoption and with my prolonged stay here the costs have added up. But we’ve also been very cautious about asking the church for money. Besides through this blog and Facebook, we’ve never mentioned to the church about our t-shirt sales or other fundraisers. We would never in any way want to abuse Cody’s position or make people feel obligated to give. So this past Sunday, Cody and I were shocked to receive a very generous gift from our church family. While Cody was over here in Uganda the personnel committee at the church decided to collect a love offering for us. I laughed to myself that here we were trying to say thank you for all they’ve done and then they go and do more. We are so humbled and we feel so loved. We’ve watched God provide every step of the way, and again I will say, we could not make it through this time without our church family. Much love to you all!
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