Lessons Learned

As you all know, these past 30 weeks have been very difficult.  I feel like I am on a constant roller coaster of emotions.  Even within one day, everything can be so up and down.  I feel like I never know what is coming up next in this soap opera of a story.  Sometimes my mind swirls with so many different thoughts.  Way too often I jump to worst-case scenario.  I like to plan.  I like to know how things are going to pan out.  So, I'm continually trying to figure this all out- good or bad.  But I've found that way too often this just leaves me riddled with fear.  I've said so many times that I could endure this all if I just knew how it was all going to end or when it would end.  However, God keeps reminding me that is now how He operates.  We don't get to know the future, we just have to trust in the One who does.  Man, that is a hard lesson for me to learn.

I've been searching scripture a lot and I keep finding the promises of God.  God loves me.  He loves Mercy.  He loves Cody, Emma and Avery.  God has a plan.  God is faithful.  God is good.  God is merciful, forgiving, patient, and just.  So many reminders throughout scripture of the greatness of our God.  The Lord does not want me covered up in fear.  So when I feel it creeping up, I pray and beg him to take it from me.  When I start to drive myself crazy with plotting and planning, I remind myself that we aren't working in my timetable.  Some days I am much better at this than others.

I had another perfectly timed reading in "Jesus Calling" the other day.  I worry about how Emma and Avery are handling everything. I fear that life will become way too normal without me. I worry about Cody taking care of everything that he does. I fear for Mercy and her future. I worry about how long I will be here. And then I read, "This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in my Presence, where you are complete....As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession in my care." Wow. The past few months, I've learned to live without a lot of possessions. And I'm ok with that. But releasing my most prized possessions (Emma, Avery, Mercy, and Cody)... that is a different story. Releasing my control. Oh boy, that's one I'm working on daily. God loves my family more than I do. He cares about our futures. He wants to use us to glorify Him. If I really believe that then I can release my fear and worry and rest in Him.


I'm sure some of you think that I am pretty crazy at this point.  When I took my first mission trip to Uganda and left my girls for 2.5 weeks I had people question how a mother/wife could leave her family for so long.  So, I can only wonder what those people are thinking now. I don't know exactly how to explain all of this. .  I don't like it.  I miss Cody, Emma, and Avery like crazy.  I question my sanity regularly.  At times I get bitter, angry, sad, frustrated, but I feel confident that right now I am doing what God wants me to do.  Mercy is worth the fight, the pain, and the heartache.  She is a part of our family.  A sweet friend that was in Uganda a few months ago sent me an email yesterday.  She said that many people don't understand adoption.  They don't understand how I can love Mercy like I love my biological children.  They don't understand why I would put my family through all of this.  But she said that if people could see firsthand, me and Mercy together they would know.  "I have seen that child in your arms. I have seen her smile only for you and cling to you and turn to you for protection and reassurance. I have seen her love you because you are her mommy. She is yours and you are hers."  I love this and it makes me teary-eyed to read it.  This is why I am here... even when it seems insane.