me vs. God...guess who wins?

So, God and I had it out during worship today. We arrived at church just as the music was starting. We found our spots and started singing. As soon as I opened my mouth I felt tears coming. For one, the past two Sundays I’ve only done Skype church (which was fabulous by the way), but it was great to be in a large body of believers singing with all of their hearts. Then all of the stress and emotion of the past few weeks just welled up. And then it was like each song was aimed at me… two songs in particular. The first was Chris Tomlin’s “Our God”. I printed the words below for you.
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Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Into the darkness you shine
Out of the ashes we Rise
There’s no One like You
None like You.

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
What can stand against?

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When I got to the lines about “If Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us” that’s when I started to lose it. I felt like God and I were arguing.

Me, “I know who can stop us… embassies, court registrars, judges.”

God, “I’ve got this and I’m not done yet.”

Me, “I feel like everything is standing against us right now.”

God, “It’s not going to last forever.”

And then I listened carefully to the rest of the song… “Our God is greater, our God is Stronger…”. And I started to feel some peace, but the tears kept falling. I couldn’t even sing… the words wouldn’t come out. Thankfully, next we sang a few songs in Luganda, which helped me recover a bit. Then we got to Hillsong’s “Mighty to Save”. Oh my! You may remember my post back from September, and how God used this song in a service then with me.
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Everyone needs compassion, love that's never failing

Let mercy fall on me

Everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a Savior

The hope of nations

Savior, He can move the mountains

My God is mighty to save, he is mighty to save

Forever, Author of Salvation

He rose and conquered the grave

Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as you find me, all my fears and failures

Fill my life again

I give my life to follow, everything I believe in

Now I surrender

Shine your light and let the whole world see

We're singing

For the glory of the risen king, Jesus

Shine your light and let the whole world see

We're singing

For the glory of the risen king

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As soon as it started, I thought, here we go again! And again my conversation with God began…

Me, “God can you really move the mountains? Then will you please move mine.”

God, “Be patient.”

Me, “God, I’m scared and frustrated and my patience is gone.”

God, “Let me fill you.”

Then there is the line “Now I surrender…”. I felt like God really wanted to know if I was going to surrender all of this stuff to him… my fears, failures, worries, and then the biggie.. Mercy. Wow, that’s a hard one. But sometimes I forget that God loves Mercy more than I do and I need to trust in His plan for her life. He’s brought her this far, so I need to let Him continue. “Shine your light and let the whole world see… for the Glory of the risen king.”

Me, “But I don’t really want to shine my light right now. Don’t you remember… I don’t want to be the example? I’d much rather pout in the corner, Lord.”

God, “But I gave you the light and I want it to shine. It’s for my glory, not yours. Your version of failure or defeat and mine are different. Remember that no matter the outcome, I am God and I love you.”

And then I relented and sang, as well as I could through my tears.

Tomorrow I will try one last time to get my meeting with the judge. Then we’ll make our contingency plans for our next steps to take in January. I’ve booked a ticket for me to leave late Tuesday and arrive home Wednesday night. I am very much looking forward to spending some time resting and loving on Cody, Emma and Avery. And I know Mercy will be in great hands until I return.