It is 12:02 a.m., Friday September 17. I am extremely tired. For the past three weeks I have had late nights, since I stay up each night to visit with Melissa via skype. And I have had early mornings, since girls have to go to school and dads have to go to work. So I should be asleep, but it’s hard, knowing that right now Melissa is on her way to our attorney’s office, and within the hour she will be arriving at the judge’s chambers. So rather than toss and turn I will write.
It is 12:05. Melissa has been on me since blog #1 to write something. Her requests have been persistent. I don’t know why I haven’t written a blog entry. It’s not that I don’t have things to say. It’s just that she says it so much better. So I hope this surprises her when she gets home from court and reads it. This entire process has been an incredible journey for us as a family, and for me personally.
It is 12:09. I confess that when we first began to talk about adopting Mercy I had reservations. My reservation was related to potential health problems. I told Melissa that I wasn’t sure I would want to go through the adoption process if we were to find out that Mercy had needs that were beyond our ability to care for. The threat of HIV is a serious one among orphans in Uganda. Add to that fears of any other number of things that could be wrong with her. It’s not that I wanted a perfectly healthy baby. I just felt that there could be an imaginary line…some problem so serious that it would disqualify us from pursuing the adoption. After all, this seemed logical. So while I smiled big outwardly during all our adoption conversations, inside I held my heart in check. I did not want to give my affections in full to a child that we potentially might not adopt.
It is 12:16. So I began to wrestle with this thought. Would I really say no to this little girl if she was HIV positive? Or if she had some other developmental issue? And somewhere in the middle of all this thinking, God reminded me of our sonograms. When Melissa was pregnant with the girls I loved sonogram days. It was exciting and unfair all at the same time. For me, sonograms were like getting to peak at my Christmas presents five months early. My curiosity was satisfied, but the anticipation grew infinitely worse! We entered every sonogram with fear. What if? always lurked in the dark recesses of my mind. I always feared bad news on sonogram days. Thankfully cold jelly on a pregnant stomach provides a couple of giggles to camouflage the tension. But the fear was still there.
It is 12:24. And I met that fear head on with resolve. Resolve that said, no matter what this is my child. No matter what. No matter what. It was this memory that marked a shift in my thinking towards Mercy, and my affections for her. I removed the emotional blockades I had put up, and allowed myself for the first time to love her as fully as I could, without reservation, and with the joy of knowing I would fight for her because she was mine. Any potential sickness would be met with resolve, not retreat. As those of you who have gone through this with us know, Mercy has some medical issues, but nothing that can not be treated. I am glad to say that while this is a cause for praise, it is not the cause of my love for her. I love her because, like Emma and Avery, God has given her to us. What’s more, I love her because I have known love like this from my Heavenly Father. I was worse than sick. Sin made me His enemy, but while I was still a sinner Christ died for me. Then according to His sovereign purpose he called me, and I responded in faith, and He changed me forever. He loved me then, and loves me still. I am trying to love my children the way He has loved me.
It is 12:40. I am not cut out for single parenthood. I told Melissa that I felt like I was on an episode of Wife Swap, only my replacement wife hasn’t shown up, and I’m tired of learning lessons! My friend Janet chuckled at me (not with me) the other day when I told her I felt like all I did was clean all the time. Where do the messes come from? When does the dish fairy come? How can two little girls create so much laundry? What’s that smell? When are children old enough to mow?
It is 12:47. The girls and I have done reasonably well in Melissa’s three-week absence. The girls have been amazing even though they miss their mom terribly. Wednesday I got a call from Avery’s teacher saying that she was super sad and missing mommy. So she was kind enough to let me talk to her on the phone. I asked Avery what would make her feel better. She answered, “Can we get ice cream after school?” And all was right with the world. I am glad to be teaching my children to mask their emotions with high calorie treats.
It is 12:54. I can honestly say, that were it not for the amazing people at First Baptist Church Mulvane this process would be infinitely more difficult. The support we have received since we first announced the adoption, has been unbelievable. Literally unbelievable. There are not enough blogs in the world to record all the amazing ways our church family has supported and encouraged us. It is the highest privilege to call these people our friends. God has been too good to us.
It is 1:00. Melissa is waiting in court now, and hopefully will see the judge soon. So I will stop here and pray for her, then try to sleep.
Psalm 119:148 My eyes stay open through the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promises.
